Victoria Van Dyke's Poetry: Summer 2005

Victoria Van Dyke was sexually abused and raped by her foster father and foster brother. This collection of poetry was written during the summer of 2005, during her stay at a mental asylum. She had previously been released from a different asylum, but she relapsed into depression in June 2005 and tried to commit suicide by jumping in front of a subway train. People nearby managed to pull her from the subway tracks before the train got to her.
fig leaf

Crazies in the crazy house
I want more beef
Let me have a popsicle mommy
I'll use it like a fig leaf

poppa's little whore

Poppa told me to sit on his knee
We were playing doctor
I thought poppa had to pee
I was poppa's little whore

bad girl

Spankings, spankings, I love thee
Daddy... give it to me harder
I'm been a bad girl, I can see
Daddy... please... make it feel better


Daddy was my not daddy
Not the daddy
Not the daddy
Please stop daddy
Please stop
Daddy didn't stop

my fault

I blame myself, its something I did
Everything's my fault, I know it is
I know it was me, I'm a bad kid
My punishment is daddy's jizz

my mind was fried

Don't think I liked it
I didn't like it one little bit
I felt sick to my stomach
My mind was fried and I was sick

the pillow

I don't care what other people say
I really, really wish he was dead
I will never forgive him as long as I live
For fucking me with a pillow over my head

tears, dice & rice

Some days I cry, some days I don't
My pain is as random as dice
Sometimes its a six, sometimes three
My tears are plentiful, like rice

depression = uzi

I sit in this chair, staring at the wall
The secretary and the doctor are busy
I want to fiddle, I wish I had a ball
Boredom and depression, I want an uzi

sexy secretary

The doctor says I'm getting better
I think it doesn't matter
I think the secretary is sexy
Damn, I'm getting wetter


Oedipus, Oedipus
Where are you now?
You fucked your mother
Was she such a beautiful cow?


Something is wrong with me
I don't care, I know it
I masturbate too much
Freud was a complete idiot


People say I should grow up
But they don't understand
They haven't been there
They haven't had the pain
They don't wake up in the middle of the night
Screaming "No! No! No!"
My mind is diseased
And I want to amputate

memories of pain

Amnesia would be a blessing
For someone like me
I could forget everything
I wish I really could
Please bonk my head harder
I can still remember the pain

we're different

People don't care about women like me
They think we're self-indulged and hysterical
Never realizing that we are just as sane as they are
We just have different memories, different wires
If you had been through what I had been through
You would feel the same
You would question your existence
You would want to end the pain

more pain please

People say suicide is silly
But what do they know?
They don't look back at a lifetime of pain,
And look forward to a lifetime of more.

poppa popped my balloon

When I think of my father
I have troubles breathing
He abused the trust they gave him
I was a flower, just starting to bloom
And he decided to pop it, like a balloon


I don't hate men. Ra, ra ra!
I don't hate men. Ra, ra ra!
I just don't understand them.

pretty in pink

Just because I am a lesbian
That doesn't make me a male hater
I think I always wanted women
Even before daddy did his thing
I wanted to be a singer, a dancer
I didn't care about boys
I just wanted to be pretty in pink

love not

Sex and marriage, what a lovely idea.
Daddy didn't love mommy, so how is that the same?
He loved me, he loved me not.
He certainly didn't care.

the pillow 2

For a time I loved a boy
Or I thought I did
Because I had hoped he was different
But it turned out he wasn't
He was like father, like son
He was my foster-brother
James was his name
When I shouted out in pain
He did what daddy did
He put a pillow over my head
So he couldn't hear me cry

daddy and jamie

Daddy and Jamie
They fucked me good
Daddy and Jamie
They fucked me hard
Daddy and Jamie
I'm not sure what hurt more
My ass or my brain

its over

ream me once, ream me twice
i cry everyday, so it doesn't matter
i'm your little white bitch
when you get your thing off
i'm happy, because its over


Heartbreakers, heartbreakers
Cherrypoppers, cherrypoppers
Motherfuckers, motherfuckets
Ass-reamers, ass-reamers
How many pricks can they stick in me?

the cocksucking surprise

Death would be too little a punishment
For what daddy and Jamie did to me
I'd like to see them suffer
Burn in hell, burn in pain
I was their little cocksucker
But if I was a cannibal
I would have bitten it off

bye bye wee wee

Castration, castration, how I love thee
Sex criminals beware, I want to chop thee
Awheeling and adealing, hatchet in hand
I'd even have a themesong, a good rock band
Chop, chop chop, you'll know it was me
I'll wave goodbye with your little wee-wee